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Self Esteem
Building Self Esteem in Your Teenager
Adolescence is one of the most difficult times of life for both teenagers and their parents. As teenagers go out into the world, they are confronted with mixed messages about their looks, their behavior, and their attitude. Teenagers are particularly susceptible to peer pressure, and are easily influenced by those with whom they spend the most time.
At this age, teenagers are worried about how they look, concerned about
their popularity, and very focused on their own feelings and experiences.
These truths, combined with still immature reasoning and judgment means
that teenagers are prone to distortions in their self image and are likely
to have at least somewhat unrealistic estimations of their own capacities.
As a parent, you, naturally, want to help your child with every advantage
in life. Most importantly, perhaps, is that you want your child to grow
up to be confident, responsible, and successful. How can you best foster
self esteem in your teenager?
1) Give them clear rules to follow. All children, no matter what age,
respond best to clear instruction. Your teenager may balk or fight over
your rules, but this is par for the course. Clear rules communicate the
value you have for your child, and when your children know they are valued,
this is the first building block of self esteem.
2) Balance out criticism with appropriate acknowledgements. When your
child does something well, say so. Acknowledge their skills, talents or
abilities, and be sure to pay attention to the positives rather than only
the negatives.
3) Let them make some of their own decisions. Teenagers learn good decision-making
by actually making decisions. Allow them to make decisions with your guidance.
Ask them to share their lines of thinking with you and their reasoning.
Help them see where their reasoning or judgment might be better.
4) Keep in regular contact with them. Although teenagers are likely to
be self-centered and self focused, be sure to talk to them anyway. Ask
about their day, find out what they are feeling, and share information
about your day and your feelings too. No matter how much your teenager
wants to isolate or disconnect from the family, work to keep them engaged
and involved.
5) Be proud of your teenager, and tell them so. When your child accomplishes
a goal or is awarded an honor, take the extra step to let him or her know
how proud you are. Words make a huge difference; don't just assume that
they already know.
6) Support your child during a conflict. When your child is in conflict
with another, find a way to support his/her viewpoint while maintaining
your personal integrity. Your child will not always be right; but he or
she will not always be wrong. Being supportive of your child during conflict
provides a strong foundation for meeting all kinds of challenges.
7) Examine your own self esteem and feelings of limitation. If you have
struggled with your own self esteem, take care not to impose these same
struggles on your child. Children are very susceptible to absorbing their
parent's opinions and belief systems, so take care not to impose your
own negative beliefs on your child.
8) Be consistent. If you want to raise a healthy, well-adjusted child
(and you probably do), be consistent with your rules and your approach.
It doesn't matter so much what the rules are. It matters more that the
rules are always the rules. Don't criticize your child for something one
day and praise him for it the next. Children don't gain self esteem in
the face of constant change.
9) Remind your child of your support. It's like the old saying, "give
them roots to ground them, but wings to fly". Let them know you are
there to help them whenever they need it. Again, this feeling of support
and constancy will help them become more confident in the world.
10) Finally, celebrate their uniqueness. Every parent has cherished dreams
and goals for their child. This doesn't mean that the child will want
those same dreams and goals for him or herself. When there is a gap between
desires and reality, you, as a parent, must bridge that space by letting
go of what you desired and truly, deeply loving who your child is.
These tools will help you build your child's self esteem. With high self
esteem, your child will move through the world more confidently, be more
willing to take necessary risks, and will be more successful. And what
parent wouldn't want that?